Thanks for the Election!

With the election over, I want to thank all the politicians, their parties, and their backers for all they've done. To all of you, thank you ...

  • for all the vacuous promises, wild distortions and gross oversimplifications. They gave us a good idea of what to expect from you if you won.
  • for the barrage of mailings full of vacuous promises, etc. We probably didn't need all those trees anyway. Besides, the flyers can be recycled into bathroom products, which is incredibly fitting.
  • for stonewalling Project Vote Smart and others about your positions on important issues. If not for your obfuscation, the electorate might actually become informed. You certainly wouldn't want that, would you?
  • for collectively blowing over $3 billion on attack ads instead of spending it on something frivolous like disaster relief or cancer research. 
  • for showing our children how people should not behave. Your leadership in this area is exemplary. Now we know what happens to those school bullies we've been hearing so much about. They grow up to become political candidates.
  • for removing all traces of nobility from what should be a noble profession. No chance of anyone mistaking our country for an aristocracy. You put the classless in "classless society".
  • finally, for treating us like we're idiots. It keeps us humble. We might actually be idiots given that some of us voted for you. We take comfort in knowing that whoever won, they're just like us. Idiots.